Here’s a little definition of irony…..Missing the sermon on rest because you are taking care of (wrestling) your three year old in the pew.

Sermons on rest just piss me off. And not in the convicting, ‘man I really needed to hear that and make some changes’ kind of way. In the…. ‘must be nice for you, shut up and pour me some coffee’ kind of way.

I KNOW. I need to rest. You don’t have to remind me. The brain fog and dark circles under my eyes are reminder enough. I even know it’s commanded by God. I KNOW. Sabbath. Keep it Holy. God rested on the seventh day, so should we. I KNOW.

But….. how?

Now, to be fair, the answer may have been given in the sermon…. but I wouldn’t know. K has been extra needy the last few weeks. He doesn’t want to be alone, he ends up in our bed or one of us ends up in his, every night. He just did not want to go to “little church,” as we call it. He cried, sad, pitiful crocodile tears, so we let him come to “big church” with us. So, I spent the whole time giving him a pen, making sure he didn’t draw on the chair, picking up the pen from the floor, keeping him quiet during the 3-minute silence time at the end of the sermon, taking him out so he could move and run for a minute, picking up the pen again…. I hadn’t packed snacks or toys because I hadn’t planned on him being in there with me.

The only thing I heard from the sermon was that God commands rest, no matter what. Even if it’s busy season at work, even if you’re a mom, even if you’re stressed out and stretched too thin…. Rest is a command. So, this got me thinking. If that is true, but there is literally no end in sight, how in the heck do I follow this command? How do I find rest when this season of life legitimately doesn’t hold space for much?

I’m an introvert. I am social and can do the energetic thing, but it exhausts me. I need alone time to recharge. And y’all, alone time is virtually non-existent. This is a piece of motherhood that NO ONE talks about and it would have been real helpful for me to know walking into this adventure. I get the 2.5 minutes from daycare to work and back each day, by myself. I can’t even pee by myself. Either the toddler or the cat follow me, or I’m trying to reply to text messages in between sessions. I’m always “on.” I am always being needed.

I’m a full time trauma therapist and am also trying to get my own practice off the ground. I’m a mom of a full energy, always moving toddler. I hear my name 17,000 times a day. I’m a full time wife, I try to participate in mission-oriented things and prayer groups, I try to keep up friendships, though most of that is text check-ins. And I love it all. I know there will come a time when K won’t say my name a million times a day and I will be sad. I try to remember that when I just want to scream, “WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAAT?” I genuinely care about all of my clients and want to be available. I really love my husband and my friends and my family.

And good night. I’m tired.

But here’s the thing that I’m wondering…… does that ever change? I know K will get older and do more of his own thing. But does the demand ever go away? Won’t things just ebb and flow? As he gets older, he will do more things, have friends. They will come over, I will care about and love them. I will continue to give freely. I will have more time for my husband, maybe my practice will grow?

It seems to me, work-life balance is a misnomer. We just go through seasons where more is needed in one area than the other. I will never be able to divide my time evenly between work/home/mission/etc. The balance, it seems, must be internal. Is that then what rest really means? Having an internal balance?

Ok, but then, how the heck do I do that? It must be doable, or God wouldn’t have commanded it.

I have this conversation with my clients all the time. Most of my clients are women, moms, working moms, all the things. And none of us seem to know. I talk to them about practical things. Finding the routine regular stuff. Deep breathing when you go to the bathroom, if that’s your only break. Getting up 10 minutes earlier to stretch or have coffee by yourself, being intentional with friends, using your commute to listen to refreshing podcasts or uplifting music. All good things. But, as established previously….. I can’t guarantee I will be alone to deep breathe while I pee.

I actually had about 15 minutes of space last night. Instead of cleaning, I went for a walk and just kind of let my brain process. I prayed in the way that I pray, which looks more like processing sometimes. And here’s the answer I came to.

I can’t rest.

Like literally. I cannot. Oh, I’m sure there are places I could manage time a little better and have more space. Or I could get up earlier and do more. And I need to do those things. But none of that will actually help me rest. I am an introvert and have no way to be introverty right now.

So, I can’t keep this command. On my own, I am failing miserably at the whole “rest/sabbath” thing.

But, God.

God can help me wake up feeling rested, even when I was awake 5 times in the night with a needy toddler. God can give me peace when work is overwhelming. God can literally give me breath when I can’t find the energy to take it.

My dependence on Him is almost 100 percent for rest right now, and He can meet me there. I just have to ask and trust and He will make a way. He will either show me spaces I have missed, or He will supernaturally give it to me. I cannot do this on my own, I NEED Him. Which, is kind of the point of the whole thing, right? That’s the Christian walk. That’s the relationship! With God, ALL things are possible. He can give me rest when rest is not there. I just have to be bold enough, brave enough, humble enough, to ask.

On my walk last night, I heard Him say, “I have your rest. I AM your rest. I can give it to you. Do you trust I can?”

Man. So simple. Yet, so hard to comprehend.

In Exodus, Moses tells the Israelites, “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.” I have always thought of “fight” as action. But I could replace that word with “rest” and that means He is in the battle I am currently in. I’m not fleeing any kingdoms or crossing any seas. I’m worn and tired. The battle currently is for breath. And He is breath. The Lord will rest for me, I need only to be still.

I can’t do it. Somehow, that is refreshing. He can meet me where I am and give me rest and renewal in my little introverted soul until the tides shift and the needs change. And then, He will meet me there too.

So, moms…. ease up yourself. We can’t do it all. We. Just. Can’t.

But, God.