Sometimes, I don’t like my kid.

There. I said it. The thing you’re never supposed to say.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my son second only to God and my husband. I would do anything for him. I’d die for him. But. Sometimes, I just really don’t like him. We are in a tough season. Probably every season is hard and jokes on me, but it feels really hard right now. Everything is a battle. Everything is a meltdown. His whole world has changed so many times in the last year, I can’t really blame him. But yikes, I’m exhausted. I don’t want to miss a moment, because we only get a few, and I’m also kind of ready for this particular stage to end.

Of course, at this moment he’s in my bed, asleep, snuggled right up against me just perfectly sweet and innocent and my heart might explode with how much I love him. I could hold him forever. His laugh, his “Mommy, I just love you,” they make the darkest days bright again.

So, how do I reconcile that with earlier in the evening strongly contemplating locking him in his room and walking away (I didn’t). What does this mean about unconditional love? I know I will love my little boy, no matter what, forever. And sometimes I don’t like him.

And I couldn’t help but wonder….. does God ever not like me while He’s loving me unconditionally. I can throw some pretty awesome tantrums as well. And some days are hard listening days for me too.

I believe love is a choice. Most days, I don’t have to consciously choose to love Kellen. His sweet little heart and goofy spirit is so evident and obvious. Other days, I have to work to see the sweet heart because it just ain’t showing itself. My love never wanes, but my ability to see Kellen through his behavior does.

But, God can always see me. He never has to actively choose because He always chooses to see my heart and my goodness even when it’s not obvious. It doesn’t mean He thinks sin is ok, but my sin doesn’t alter His ability to see the child he created. Sometimes, I don’t see the child I created because I remember that baby being a lot more smiley.

So, what my brain came around to was this: it’s just the difference between unconditional love and perfect love. God’s unconditional love is perfect. Mine is not. I will pray and work every day to love more perfectly, while also understanding that I’ll never reach the standard because I can’t on my own. I can only love perfectly because of Christ in me. The more I accept His perfect love, the more it radiates from me.

Here’s the other conclusion I’ve come to. It’s natural to not like your kid sometimes. It doesn’t make me a bad mom. It might make me a good one because I can admit I’m flawed and human and really friggin’ exhausted. I think most moms have felt that way from time to time, I know a lot of the moms I worked with at capstone talked about feeling that way and many friends have too. So, I think the only moms that have never disliked their kid either have way more dependence on Christ than I have figured out yet, or they are lying.

Pat yourself on the back, Mommas. The only thing you really have to do is love them well, and you’ve got that down.