My son turned 4 today. In some ways it seems like he was just born yesterday and in some ways it seems he has always been a part of my life, a part of me.

I think my favorite thing about him turning 4, other than I’ve heard 4 is infinitely better than threenager, is just how much he LOVED everything that happened. He loved every single person that came to his party. He was EXCITED about every present he opened, even the clothes. He played and grinned and giggled and laughed and said thank you a thousand times. I put up blue christmas lights, his favorite color, and he ran to them and showed them to his Granny.

He. Was. SO. Excited. Everything filled him with awe! And that filled my heart with joy.

And then I wondered….. when did that stop for me? When did everything stop being the BEST THING EVER and become work and movement and longing for the next break.

One of my favorite shows as a kid was Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood. I still vividly remember the episode where they toured the crayon factory. I was mesmerized! Mr. Rogers continues to be a source of wisdom and light for me and one of his quotes recently stopped me in my tracks.

“Remember that you were a child once, too.”

-Fred Rogers

I struggle with patience, it’s no secret. It’s partly because my brain is always going 90 to nothing and thinking about 200 things. I am always needing to do something, be somewhere or figure something out. And if I’m not doing those things then I want to be asleep. So, I struggle when K needs to tell me a story and keeps repeating himself, or won’t buckle his car seat until he’s finished, but definitely WONT let me buckle it while he talks. I struggle to stay present while we are playing pretend, my brain wanders to what I need to cook for dinner, or the thing I need to do at work. I have tried to be very intentional with being present, but it is something I have to consciously do. I have to will myself to be interested every time K points out a school bus while we are driving. And he finds them all!

Why has so much changed since I was a kid? What has been lost? What has been gained? When did passing school busses on the way home lose all it’s magic?

To be honest, I’m a little jealous of my son. I don’t remember the last time I felt that much joy in one day that wasn’t experienced through watching him. Worry and anxiety can take root so easily. Thinking ahead, not being present in the moment.

I think this must be what Jesus means when he talks about the faith of a child. K is most often present in the moment. Unless he has been promised a popsicle and is waiting on it, he is thinking about what is happening in the moment. It’s why some moments are SO BIG. It’s what he has. It’s all consuming.

And he fully trusts. I know not all kids have the safety and security K has. And I really know I am not perfect. But I am sure that K is well loved and secure. He literally doesn’t have to worry about a thing. We make sure he is fed, clothed, clean (mostly), comforted, taught, given experiences…. He is able to be fully present in the moment because he doesn’t have to worry about the next moment…..unless that next moment is supposed to have a popsicle in it.

Somewhere along the way, life teaches you that it really isn’t safe and we start worrying…. lose ability to be present, fully engaged in the beauty that God has set before us. We start to take back control from Him, the perfect parent, and worry about whether we will be taken care of, maybe even worry if we are loved.

Now, I know everyone’s story is different. For most, the world has not been safe in one way or another, or they have not been loved well. They don’t know they are loved. But for me, today, I know I am loved. I know it just as much as my son knows it. I may not know fully how secure the future is, especially given the war currently waging, but I know the author of security is in control.

And here’s the paradox: My ability to be present in each moment, is to also have my sights set on the future. My ability to have childlike joy, bouncy houses and cupcakes joy, is to focus on the future. But not the future of this world, there is no guarantee there. Eternal future. Heaven. This world is not our home and when I forget to have eternal focus, and focus only on my temporary home, anxiety slips in and joy dissipates.

I need to look to my Father God the way K looks to me, trust He is in control even when I don’t like what He’s doing. When my focus is on Him, joy seems to slip back in. I was once a child too, and in all the best ways, I still am. I’m a child of God.

And, so are you.