At church Sunday, I asked K if he wanted Daddy to walk him back to “little church” and he said yes. This has been the routine for a bit now, Daddy walks him back to class and I go get seats for worship.

Apparently, after I had walked away, K changed his mind and wanted me to walk him back and called out my name. But, I didn’t hear him in all the noise in the lobby and walked on in. This immediately broke his heart and he started crying. My husband tried to console him, but ended up texting me and telling me what happened. I, of course, came out there and hugged K real big and walked him to class. I apologized for not hearing him and reminded him that I always love him.

I was happy to meet that need for him, but I can’t meet a need I don’t know about. And can we just talk about the speed at which a toddler’s needs, be they real or imagined, can change? It’s like parental whiplash! One day, he eats three bananas and the next day he hates them and is offended I even offered him one.

Before he could talk, I remember thinking how much easier it would be when he could tell me what was wrong or what he wanted. Ha! First time parent rookie mistake. It doesn’t matter that he can talk because his mind changes too fast for me to keep up.

Honestly, I zoned out for part of the sermon last Sunday because I was thinking about how K must have felt when he called out to me and I didn’t turn around. He absolutely knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love him, but in that moment he didn’t know that, he questioned it. He was confused and for a few minutes, thought I had ignored him and must not care. He’s also going through a phase (can it still be a phase if it’s been going on for a year?) where he can’t stand to be alone. He has this weird fear that if we are not in the room with him then he is alone and we have somehow left him. I’m not sure where this came from, we have never left him anywhere. Even if I tell him exactly where I’m going, like “Hey Bud, I’m going to run to the bathroom real quick, I’ll be right back,” he will come busting into the bathroom 30 seconds later because he didn’t know where I was or wanted to make sure I didn’t leave him. I’ve been so confused how this developed in him and wondering if it’s normal, or if I have somehow given my child an anxious attachment style (being a therapist can really make you overthink).

So, I was thinking about all of this during church, trying to make sense of it and feeling bad for the way Kellen must have felt, but then also a little frustrated that he couldn’t trust that I wouldn’t willingly ignore him and leave him.

And then, dang it, I realized that’s what I do with God all the time.

God is perfect love. I know that from a Biblical place and I know that from a personal place. I have personally felt the love of God.

And still, sometimes it feels like He is ignoring me. Like, maybe he didn’t hear me, or doesn’t care. I feel alone, rejected. It’s a guttural pain, a visceral response to feel like God has turned his back on you, and the feelings are real even if the act isn’t. God never turns his back on us AND sometimes, it feels like he has.

And in those moments we are broken children, we are 4 sobbing in the lobby. I wonder if Jesus felt like he was 4 when God turned his face away as he hung on the cross? And now that I’m a parent, I know how excruciating that must have also been for God. He chose to turn his face away from his son because He loves us so much. I was devastated to think I had accidentally hurt my son, I can’t imagine choosing it.

I wonder what the reunion was like 3 days later between Father and Son…. Did they run and embrace and hold each other tight? Did God wrap his arms around Jesus and pull him on his lap and tell him how loved he is? Did he take his hand and walk with him around heaven?

God is the perfect parent, way more perfect than I could ever dream of being. He loves perfectly. And so, when we are broken, when we can’t see him anymore and want to rush into the bathroom to check if He’s there, He will find a way to reassure us. The situation may not change, we may still be broken and feel lost, but know more solidly that we are not alone. Until we forget an hour later and He has to find ways to remind us again.

I spend a lot of time being the four year old in the church lobby, thinking that this is the time God has left for sure and I better figure it out on my own. Fear is such a liar.

I seem to think that control is the antidote to fear, but it’s not. It really just creates more fear. I just kid myself into feeling better for a little while.

You know what the Bible says the antidote to fear is?

Love.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”

1 John 4:18

I’ve been having this conversation with a few clients recently too. We seem to be a fear-based people and there are some churches that have not done well to combat fear but have instead used it as a manipulation tool.

Satan will take every chance he can to invoke fear. He will whisper, “He doesn’t really love you. You aren’t enough. You’re too broken.”

We have to keep looking, we have to keep calling out to Him, and we have to remember that Satan is the author of lies and we are loveable, no matter what. God is perfect love and only He can drive out fear.